Almost....

This morning while driving to work as usual my mind was preoccupied.
Was thinking so much. Kept thinking about why whyw hwy... EM nor D called....
then suddenly the car infront of me braked.. I thought... i couldn't break in time.. i surve my car to the other lane.. thank God .... there was no car coming.. or else.. MATI LIAO....

probably will be six feet under. I want white roses if that ever happens... and I want my ashes scattered in the ocean... :)

ciao

si liow lah

Die liao lah

:(

Ability to totally trust and let go

Its the end of another week. I am relief that I don't have to work tomorrow. I have decided, I need to find a 5 day a week job once more. Coz this is mental torture.

This week has been a roller coaster ride for me. One moment, I feel confident that God will answer my prayer. Then on wed, i met with this lady L together with CJ. Cj has problems with her social life always had since the day i knew her. Always ending up with wrong type of people. I introduced her to this healing session thingy and she actually went for a private session. Anyways, to cut the story short, there is this lady who is part of the healing ministry who can actually have visions. So CJ told me that she going to go and see her on wed just to have a chat. I wanted to follow along too as I wanted to ask some qs too.

So on Wed, we met up with L. L pretty much gave us an insight on faith blablabla and such. She also mentioned that God answers every prayer in His Time and sometimes the answer to a prayer is NO. So I asked about my sister in law's case. As since then, I am so afraid, that i might get a different answer eventhough during the healing another answer was given. See during Sarah's last healing session before her passing, the members of the ministry had msg and vision that Jesus was healing Sarah. But yet she passed on. So i asked.... L. Since it was said that JC is healing Sarah how come she died? L said that JC's version of healing is healing the soul not necessary healing her of her medical condition or physical state. So her life after death is purely more important. I told L about my issue how i long to just get out. She told me to pray about it and i told her I believe that God has opened the path for me for this EM thingy. I am not sure if I am reading too much into the signs. See, i got the 1st phone call from EM on Aug 12th 2004. I have changed my phone in June and i applied for the EM job in May. and no news. Yet they managed to call the old phone which was not assigned yet to anyone in O and managed to hear my voice msg that asked them to call me at my new mobile no. With God's grace i went for 1st int. Then i start this crap job. During the int they told me 3-4 weeks before they would contact for 2nd int but it was just 3 working days after i first went for the 1st int that they called me in for the 2nd int. And that was my 3rd day at work. So i couldn't go. I told them i need to reschedule and she told me that the reason why she is calling fo the int this week is becoz next week the manager will be going on 3 weeks leave. I asked for reschedule after the manager gets back. I didn't get a call at all. Then i called and asked afte 2 weeks to see whether i had the chance for the 2nd int or have they got their candidate. She said that they will schedule and will call me once the manager is back. So..... no call... after the duration of 3 weeks was up so i called them up as a follow up. And she said she was going to call me next week. I wnet for the second int and now they say there's a 3rd. So i reckon God has brought me so far, I am sure he will clear the path for me. That's what I am hoping.

But after talking to L, i felt my confidence slipping and she recommended a book called My Daily Bread. we proceeded to her house since she had 2 extra copy which we could purchased from her. She told us the power of the book. She said pray and then ask for answer , turn the book anyhow and when you select a page the msg is there to answer whats in your heart at that time. Alas i tried it for 2 days and both time msg not so good wor.. I so sad lah. Then i was dwelling on this and i heard this voice in my head. That said " What little faith you have" at that time i was thinking that the answer is probably a NO from HIM. So i guess there's still hope right.... after i heard that voice in my head?

I will carry on praying but L suggested that i bring up this and let the Lord know my desire for this EM thingy and that if this is not for me to ask HIM to open another door for me. I want to but my heart doesn't want to let go completely. Will that effect the final outcome?

Making the Right Decisions

Is there Such a thing in life. Making the right decision. Or is it at the very point in time the decision is right and that's the only time its rite to the core? I have many times made decisions which i thought were the right ones, then after executing it, it just turns out to be so wrong.

Is that why they say you should't base your decision just on your own but always bring it up to the Lord. I have done that too. But the sad thing is , I cannot ever hear when I most want to hear from Him. Or maybe He is speaking to me but due to my human nature, I don't hear him?

These last few months has been really tough for me. I know everyone I know out there is probably fedup of talking to me. But I try. i do. I apply for job, i moved on from my old job.I try to make the right decisions but alas it all fails me.

I read the bible to know whats God's message is for me. But i don't see it. Almost every nite for the past few months I have been crying. Tears always streaming down. Not that I don't want to snap out of it, I don't know how. I am so afraid to make anymore decisions as each one i make I just fall deeper.

I would love to be able to have a dream again. To do what i want without having to worry about what my parents would do to me when they find out I want to leave the country and move somewhere else and not kill me about the new condo. Quit my job when i want to. Travel far and see the world without having to worry about money. Singing and laughing and writing and just being happy. But dare not as dreams are only dreams they don't make out reality or very seldom do.

Who am I? Thats what I need to discover once more. But Who can help me answer?
What talents do I have? the bible says, God has given everyone gifts of the spirit, talents, uniqueness of personality to help this world. But what's mine? I always feel I have no talent and no gifts. Recently after reading the bible, i asked myself, I do have the gift of being able to speak well in front of people, i have good communications skills. But is that enough to get me anywhere? Everyone looks at certs. Funny thing after 8 years in working life and having a degree people still look at SPM results. mad.

Anyways............ what makes a good decision?

Seeing a Shrink ...?

The week started off okay. Was in some course for 2 days. So the week passed by pretty quick. But after that the anxiety continued on. I was pondering and I realised this inability to sleep and waking up at odd hours has gone quite far. Today after I woke up, i just felt this ache all over. So Yesterday evening, i decided to go see my friend who is a dr. Prior to this I have already contacted him and asked where to seek help esp for people like me who is depressed over everything.

We spoke for awhile. I mentioned that I have lack of confidence to do anything. It just became worse as the time went by. At least in O , i could still take it until I was actually transferred to consulting and that really crushed everything. He mentioned that lack of confidence is the result of being depressed coz you feel you're not good enough for anything. Well to cut a long story short, he suggested that i join some activity may it be church or anything so that I have some support. He doesn't believe that i need to see a real shrink but feels that i need to mix with people more to get support and maybe eventually find out what the world has to offer me. Which is quite true.

I told him about how I was thinking about quitting and doing some charity work or church work but I am afraid to do it. Thinking about not having an income is really scary. Is that step too drastic? Or is it me not wanting to take that step being afraid that I might like it too much? Could that be my calling but I decided to shun it away.

I have no answers at the moment but I would need to find the answers soon. I am going to be a year older next year and whats going to happen then? Is this going to follow me thru out my life?

kitaro.......

Okie, so yesterday, i had the privilege to go watch Kitaro's concert at Genting's. Well free tics mind you and VIP seats sommore. But what turned out initially to be a good outing got me to be really pissed off.

So what happened you might ask!? Well, firstly the concert was at 8pm. But my friend who got the tics said i need to be in her house at 12.30pm coz they - the rest of the people wanted to go early. Okie what she neglected to tell me was that , 12.30 was so that she could go to the gym and work out while i waited like a ding dong for her for 3 hours!!!!!!! Then dilly dally only drove up to Genting at 5pm. Imagine i wasted my whole afternoon for nothing. I was already in a bad mood. I mean you don't waste people's time like that rite? And brother!!!! you please tell the truth the next time. People's time ain't for you to waste around.

Then got up to gentings with this hell driver who never bothered about our safetly. Drove like a maniac. Talks alot of bullshit and thinks he is some hot shot. Pity the gf who laughs at his every stupid and idiotic jokes. He looks like a bull but truely has a brain the size of a pea. Some what if you can imagine Brutus in popeye to be, he is resembles that alot.

WE got to the concert. LATE!!!! coz my friend invited her hair dresser and he came bloodee late. 15 minutes after 8pm he was still not there!!!!! malaysians and their sense of time!!!!

Got in there.. seats were VIP but cacat!!!! cos its all the same level so you pretty much only see the person infront of you - the back of their heads. Unless you're super duper tall. Okie then concert started. Pretty good. But half way thru, the song lulabbied me into ZZZzzzZZZ hahahaha. but overall its good.

Then the irritating speciments started their characters again. Well.... drove like a maniac down and it was 2am when i got to my friend's house and i had to drive back to home sommore. Mom called while i was driving.... coz she was worried. I thought they were very inconsiderate, coz they knew i was suppose to drive back home (the rest are being chaufferred home). Yet they dilly dallied after the show.... makan minum cakap bnayak2 then while in the restaurant tak nak pergi toilet, while walking to the car park then they said they want to go toilte.. BUGGERS. I already marah sgt. THen the gal the gave us the tics never ceased to stop reminding us that we owe her big time. In my heart, you INVITED us. So whats with the remark. Rite? So much for being a friend and being sincere about the invitiation.

Too hoots to them.
Ciao.

Making it thru the week

Its now 1 week since the passing of Sarah. I just don't know how to begin to tell my story. Eventhough its been a week, sometimes when I drive to work or from work or just sitting down doing nothing and I think of Sarah, my tears will just flow.
Eventhough I myself have seen her waving good bye and smiling to me during one of the prayers but still I can't seem to be able to accept that she has gone from this good earth.
Maybe this is also coupled with my emotional state at the moment. Everyday waking up is like an agony. At times, I ask that my life be taken too. But I know that's wrong and sinful but truely, have you ever walked about as though you're without a soul? I do. Almost constantly I am in this state.
Making it worse, the time at work just passes so slowly - always so draggy. I dont' know which is worse, being too busy untill you brains is about to burst or having too much time in hand that you actually write the interval of hours in a paper and striking each hour off as the hour come to meet you.
Dad will be going tomorrow to see the doctor. There is an arteri which is 100% blocked. So I can assume my dad is very nervous after the case of Sarah. Well, just have to pray.
I was invited to watch Kitaro's concert at Gentings tomorrow. Hmmm.. Well i was informed to Dress nice. whatever that definition is. Funny thing is I shop but I still dont' really have nice clothes hahaha. Hmmm...

correction to the previous post

Just wanted to amend the sentence

"After years of sufferring, she is not I pray in peace."

which is suppose to read

"After years of sufferring, she is now I pray in peace."

Let me begin by saying. I actually wrote an entry yesterday but while trying to save it, the broswer hung and all the typing was gone.

On 8th September 2004, my sister in law was called back to the Lord. After years of sufferring, she is not I pray in peace. At 12.30am on Wed (8/9/04), the phone was ringing at 12.30am. My brother was on the phone, he said " Ling, ask mummy to light a candle for Sarah. she is not breathing already" Then before i could ask anything, he started to cry and hung up. I called up my mom and informed her while we lighted a candles for her. My younger brother and my uncle immediate drove up to the hospital.

Upon their return, we were informed that Sarah is in icu and she cannot longer sustain breathing on her own and had to be placed on life support. We were all praying for her. I prayed and prayed for her unable to sleep the whole night. Praying that God will regain her consciousness. All I could think of was her two young children, my nephew who is 4 and my niece who is 7. Both will be too young to comprehend what has happened to their mother.

I feel so sad too that i didn't get to see her before all this has happened. I regret not visitng during her last stay at the hospital. I was due to see her on wed but she pased before i could.

It was my brother who drove her body back from the hospital with her younger brother craddling her body in the car. My brother seemed so composed and strong but I am sure his emtions are even more in turmoil than mine. My brother was with her during her stay in the hospital which was more than 1 week already before her passing.

But being only human, my mom said he broke down shortly before the kids were due. He just couldn't stop crying.

Emotions are so high at the moment but i would say, at least today I am able to speak without tears streaming down like as though I have no control of it.

THe saddest part was when I went to my brother's house with the kids who were still at my house. They saw the tent and the amount of people they didn't want to alight from the car. My brother then came out and hold their hands and brought them in. I heard him telling the older gal that " you must remember mummy". As both were afraid to look at the casket. The younger one I heard him asking my brother " why cannot see mummy's body".

Its so sad. They cannot comprehend ....

Yesterday I went there and as i entered the house i bless the casket with holy water. And i saw little anthony. I asked him whether he would like to place holly water. He said to me " I already do it many many times, so mummy can wake up" So sad.. tears were brimming in my eyes already.

Its funny how sometimes, when the person is around, we do not appreciate them when they are gone we miss them, we have regrets on things we didn't do for them. Thoughts started pouring into our minds.

I will not forget the words she said to me when I saw her in the hospital few months ago when she was first diagnosed with cancer that is after years of sufferring with SLE lupus. She said that all her life she has already been unhappy, depressed, worried. She told me this " Be happy, do things that you will make you happy and that you like". I will always remember that.

Eternal Rest grant unto her Oh Lord and let perpetual light shine upon her and may Sarah's sould Rest in Peace. Amen.

Life is painful

Today, I had the shock of my life. There's this customer i met while I was still at O. He was a customer who attended the same training I did. He is a foreigner who worked here for 7 years. I mentioned WORKED becoz he has since left to go back to his homeland. But being out of the country for so long, obviously he hated the lifestyle back home now.

I can relate to that as during the initial period when I got home from the states, everything just seemed wrong in every aspect. As time went by, I beginning to appreciate my family. I still dislike somethings but I learned to appreciate some things too.

Today I saw him over the chat, he had seemed very uncommunicative of late. But I just shook it off as you know, maybe I am just a bore and he didn't want to talk. For the few times we chatted over the months, he kept saying to me " Mystic, learn to love yourself".

Today he told me that he is at the verge of suicide and he couldn't contain himself from shedding tears. That reminded me of myself just last week. Last friday after breaking down like a psycho, i went to church to find solace. I wish i could be there for him, hold his hand and tell him that i am here to support him. Its so very different when you're miles apart and you have this friend that is feeling so much pain within and doesn't know what to do. I can totally relate to that. Its so sad. I saw the mirror of myself in him all of a sudden. Coz during that period of pain, I tried calling my so called close friends none bothered to pick up the phone none bothered to call me back. It felt so alone and you feel like you've been crushed.

Let me share with you. All this past year i have known him, he had been this strong person. Strongest i have ever met. One that knew what he wanted out of life. One who is educated, one who spoke afew languages, one who gave up a mgt position to be an ordinary DBA/programmer. One who just recently got a good offer to work in canada for 3 months and then going back again for another 3 months. He was due to go in the next couple of weeks. Then this sudden break down really shocked me. There was no signs. I guess being in this situation is more lethal than ever.

He mentioned that he received this document that says, "people who love you always leave you, people whom you hate always stick around." Well i certainly hope that's not true. Maybe its loneliness that is crippling him. maybe just like me, he has lost sight of what he is fighting for, what he's goal is. He isn't telling me whats the true reason but kept saying its too late. But whatever it is, I will say a prayer for him as I know how awful and draining and what it makes you feel like doing " end your life". Some people think its a joke, but truely, they will never really know if they have never ever been in that situation. Its almost crippling. When you try but its just engulfs you so tight that you do wish you were dead.

I have a friend let's call her, J. She had life easy so she views that there shouldn't be problem in the world. She can't comprehend it and i dont' think she will ever be able to comprehend it. I hated it so much when she sits on her high horse and lectures. To me, don't preach about something you have no experience in and think that theory can help you solve it.

Maybe people like us just needs a listening ear, a sympathetic heart and an encouraging word. Is that so hard to give to someone you call FRIEND?

Pondering

I was going thru my email and i realized that since i placed my name in the match.com.my. Maybe its becoz its an MY site. I have been getting emails but less now than before. But majority are from indians nah.

Made me think really. Lets see. My best friend for years used to be an indian gal. Knew her since kindergarten and up to now am still friends but am not that close no more. That happened after she met mr right and then disappeared from the face of the earth. And now she has surfaced back but i guess we have all along been able to pick off where we left off but i realised to a certain extent the friendship is no longer the same.

Then i looked at my working life. The same thing occur. During my first job - same thing , got to know indian gal first. Then at O also same thing, good friend at work was indian. hmmm..

Then in match. com the same old thingy!!! makes me wonder really. Whats the connection I have with indians.

Funnily my mom when she speaks on the phone, many times people have thought that she is indian. AHHAHA. Maybe its in the genes huh. Too bad though, look wise I am totally chinese.

There was once when i went for this mastery thingy with Y and her husband and myself. It was private session ya. Anyways.. during one session, Y mentioned to the instructor that she has always thought she wanted to marry a chinese and her husband is actually indian. So the instructor asked her, how did that come about? The instructor said somehow inside her she never really affiliated herself to being indian. Either she didn't like being indian or somewhat close to that reasoning. When the instructor said that, i thought about myself. All my life, I didn't like being chinese. I have always thought. Chinese ah.. looks also one kind, hidung penyek, mata sepet. Tak cun langsung. hehehe. Hmmm. maybe unconsciously, I am creating all this attraction to indian. But funny thing is, I dont' think I want to end up with one unless the person is not too indian like. Maybe its just that I like the way, they look ( some of them at least), big eyes, high nose. Something that I dont' posses? Could be.

Thinking alot of about what to do lately. I have decided to be very honest with myself. I realized that deep down inside, I wanted a job but not a job that is too bz or stress nor a job that is just plain boring and nothing to do. I am looking for the median. I have also been honest stating that no matter what people say about oh well at least you get 1 n 3 sat off. It still doesnt' make me feel better. I want to work only 5 days a week.

Then I thought, I want the EM job. But then as I was told during the int, might get calls at nite wor.... do i want that. But its working hours is 5 days loh. MNC loh. I think that's waht I want.

Then i tried to be honest with myself what i dont' like about this current place. Okay I have to be honest, its not as bad as the previous dickhead place but still... there is soemthing still missing. What bugs me the most is the process of getting a bloody software installed. Its been freaking 2 weeks plus, they still haven't installed the O software i need. Gosh.... imagine.. its pretty shitty if you ask me. Too slow a pace, too political how email flies, too much gossipping going around. Pening kepala!!!! Too far from every damn place. I know some people will say, so what.. this area all small things. Yeah small things that eventually gets to you.. little by little.

Considering going to emaus center today! wonder if i should, or should i really prep myself first.

On last thursday, I had dinner with a friend who now relocated back to malaysia from sg. While i was talking to her , she told me that she can sense I am breaking. I told her its true. I feel so close to having a nervous breakdown. at the end of dinner , she said, i noticed you're very concern about what your parents want and expect of you.. what your boss expect of you. But what does "you" want?

so who am I? Where should i start to rediscover myself? How do I begin?

Btwn being bored and being busy

Life is just such. When one has too much work, then one would complain endlessly. I have been woverworked. Too much work cannot cope.

When you have nothing much to do, you become so lethargic and bored. Falling asleep. Time passes by so slowly.

Gosh.. can't we have something in between. Between not so busy and not so idle? isn't there a median anymore?

anyways falling ZZZZzzzzz. Waiting for the time to pass seems like a major torture. its not even 4pm yet. Darn...

Pretending to be busy is getting harder and harder.

Well , i don't think its becoz there i snothing to do. I just don't know what is there to do.
Sucks.

Beauty of Life

Sometimes I wonder whats the beauty of life. I hear people talk about life all the time. Is there such thing as beauty of life? When i drive or when I am in the train or at a restaurant, i see some people - struggling thru life. I think about the taxi drivers, who has to be in the car the whole day; driving up and down. What more when traffic is at its most horrendous pace.

At times like this, I am thankful that I have a job. But when i think about it further, its not that I am not thankful I have a job, its just that I want life to be more than just a job. Its like I want to live life to the fullest - like when I wake up I have the time to go smell the rose, admire the break of dawn, take naps when I want. That's not idealistic you say?

That is why I do wonder people who has to work so hard, and like the labourer - does any of them actually see the beauty of life? If they do, then its so amazing. Either they are just too naive of they have certain believe that its not happiness doesn't lie in this material world. But I don't think I am a materialistic person. I mean i buy stuff but doesn't matter to me whether its guess or topshop or mng or some pasar malam crap. I will buy and wear them. I bought so many type of bajus from thailand and one from indon. When you wear them on, who can tell. But i see alot of people just buy for the sake of the brand. But then again maybe becoz ofmy physic I cant' fit some of the expensive but meant for scrawny people :P What to do, I have big thighs due to my running days in school.

Somtimes when I am asleep, or rather when I am half asleep - can't sleep well. I do get this thoughts running in my head that I wish I am dead. For the past few nites, the anxiety was high, therefore, i start praying the rosary of liberation - but still i dont' find peace. I doze off for a bit but then I wake up again and see that its just 5am. Everday its a routine. Then sometimes, I tell God, I don't want to be alive , Lord. I know thats bad but thats how I feel.

Have you heard of the word Carpe Diem?! I wish i can say that...... about how i live my life.

I haven't yet have the guts to call the counselling center.

I hope EM will call me......

Just about nothing and about everything

Its Sunday already. At least yesterday (SAT) I didn't have to work esp it being the 3rd sat of the month. Gosh for the past 8.5 years , I never did have to worry about which Sat i had to be at work. This sucks. I am looking forward to another job that can give me the 5 days effect man. This sucks.

Anyways, my anxiety is still high, it can't seem to be able to be calmed down. Its just rising higher and higher and even taking naps in the afternoon seems fruitless.

I went for a healing session at Chris's house last thursday. My sis-in-law was there too. There is this one indian lady who is really really gifted. She has the gift of being able to see what is happenning and also get messages from Holy Spirit during the praying over. But too bad, my turn came only at 11+pm when she had already gone home. Anyways, there is another lady who has about the same gift but just that hers is not usually as long and detailed as the Indian lady's.

I was told by this other lady that "You have asked and Have been Given, Now seek and you will find" Wow.... so makes me think now or rather for a few days now. Do I know exactly what I am seeking for? I asked for a job and I got it. I didn't ask for this Managerial job which i told the guy too - the one who was praying over me. But he said then this is the one for you. But even after the healing session, I myself am not sure. I wasn't able to sleep that nite too. I saw the sacred heart of Jesus during my rest in the spirit. Very far far away at the right hand corner and I told the team there. Chris says that " Bring Him closer". He also mentioned that i have lack of faith.

I guess my spiritual life has been a roller coaster on and off. Sometimes I am at the higher level of spirituality, but sometimes, I am just at the lowest point.

Today I kept pondering on the "Seek and You shall find" statement. I talked to my sister about it, she said maybe this job isn't for you. But you asked and have been given, now you need to open your eyes to find what is there and you will find it. But I dont' know why, i have this faint feeling in my heart that I am seeking for my direction in life. This job doesn't feel like one that would make me happy - as in like i feel alive kinda feeling. Maybe I am asking for too much. I certainly don't know.

I want to be healed of this sickness in me. The sickness that is running through my thoughts and my life. But what do I need to do to attain that. I am pretty much very tired. Extremely tired and maybe that is why I feel like totally giving up.

" Ask and You shall be given, Seek and You shall find, knock and the door will be opened for you"

I need to find my direction in this life...

complacent and contentment

Okie, I know i wrote in the blog this morning. But i just feel like writing again.

I spoke to my friend just now on the way back from work. YES i left on the dot. My team members were still at work. But i cabut. Nothing to do what. If people green eye that's their problem.

Its hard being a leader when you haven't been one before. Anyways.....I have been having sleepless nites. I wonder when this will end. Oh yeah, as i was saying, my friend told me that maybe i was too complacent and contented at my previous job and now that I left, nothing seem to be able to compare to it. Maybe thats true.

I find this job hard coz i have to know the terms and such and i can see its just the 1st week and my team members are already disrespectful coz they think they know alot. And what more freshies leh.

I am learning as much as I can, and I choose to ask people with experience. And the problem is the ladies I am getting help from are going for maternity........... shit luck or what.

But you know what my phone no this time is damn nice.... and id also damn nice.. no 4444 like previously short lived job. hahahaha.

I am totally a basket case... i am seriously thinking of seeking help from a councillor.

Never Ending Nerve Racking Situation

Okay, 1 st week at new job. How? Filled with nerve racking situation. Firstly, dont' know no banking jargon. Secondly, no experience as someone's manager what more for 6 people. I was unable to sleep from monday nite onwards. Everynite i am just in a daze. i can't sleep. I keep thinking what if i can't do it. Then how?

Then yesterday all hell broke lose. I was told I am to do review of coding of my team. HOW? Manager have to be doing programming also, I die loh!!!!!!!!!!

I want to leave this corporate shit! GIve me ideas on what else i can do. If there is something i can do but have no background in that, what can i do to get myself equiped and trained? I need to seriously think about it. I need to think as job as not just as a job. But something i would like to do ... when i wake up i am happy. Sound not idealistic? I think it can be done. I have seen people do it. WHY NOT ME

Whats your purpose here....

Lately, maybe becoz i have too much time on my hands. I have been pondering alot about what life means to me.

For the past 1.5 weeks, I have been waking up and being idle the whole freaking day. Just feel daze, walking around the house. Last of whole week I didn't even step foot out from the house. Not even to the garden. All I did was, wake up.... get online. Chat abit. Watch tv. Try to sleep in the blinking heat in the afternoon. which always fails as its burning hot in my room. So i end up watching all the telenova - the spanish dramas, the filipino drama on tv. hahaha. Talking about being such a couch potato.

On top of all that, I have been having anxiety attack quite alot lately. Out of the blue, i will feel a pang of panic. Be it the new job or thinking about growing older next year. When I look back, it seems that I have not achieved much. Is it that I haven't achieved much or what I have achieved doesn't bring meaning to my life.

I totally envy people who embraces life totally. They live everyday like there is no tomorrow. But I wonder though, how these people condition their minds? Isn't it human that we think about how to survive , about $$$, about our daily needs?

Afew days ago i came across a reading from Luke which reads : Trust God.
In there it says that we shouldn't worry too much about what to eat and wear as the birds and cows doesn't worry and God clothes them and provide for them. We being higher level than these two how can God not provide for us? Very meaningful. I guess its also a flaw in us humans that we always think about our needs beyond any other things. But to reach that leve of trust of not worrying about anything but just live life.. will be alot of hardwork for such a person like me.

Also of late, I kept thinking I will be turning another year older.. and soon will hit the mid 30s... its such a scary thought.

Sometimes, I have dreams about Tao - dunno where she is now. Maybe in cyprus happily married. Sometimes I have dreams about Iowa.. the snow... happy smiley faces of all the people i have known during University days.... I miss that. Maybe that was the happiest moment in my life.... That is why sometimes my mind just wills itself back to that moment.

Maybe, I am so unsettled in this period of my life ( that is the 8 years i started working) is becoz i long for the times , those happy times i have left behind.... At that time, I realized i never had to worry much about $$$ , about bf.. or anything. At that time I thought everything will fall into place. My goal was to get a degress , graduate with honors.. make the dean list every semester never letting my cgpa drop.. I had a purpose, I have a goal in life.

then when i started working reality struck. What has happened to me.. What happened to the charasmatic and confident person?

These 1.5 weeks... the only thoughts that kept coming back is that I don't want to work anymore. I even told my mom that, she said, you can do that but you will no money to spend. That's the world isn't it. The real world. Everything boils down to money.

I need to seek my dream again.. what is that. Is it being a good housewife.. and taking care of my kids( if i do ever have any) or being a successful working person. AT this point i think i will opt for the former. But time is running out... biological clock is ticking like mad dog....

If I do have a dream or goal , will my life have more meaning. Will i wake up with a purpose in this life?

Do you think it would make a difference where I physically am? Be it in MY or AU?

I am just like the lost souls.....

Weird-ness

I guess being human, there are areas about humans that we cant' understand ourselves. I for one, sometimes do not even understand what I want. I totally admire those people who really knows what they want. But I wonder does this change with each phases of life or is it constant.

I have been at home for 4 days nows. Shame to say I have accomplished nothing. Absolutely nothing. I spend my time basically watching tv and sleeping. Even getting online has been minimized. i only get online, chat with some friends - always less than 1 hour duration.
surfing also nothing much to surf.

so i usually complain, I need a break, now I am getting my break. But .... am i wasting it all away hahahaa... feel so dead. Funny how time passes so fast when I am at home :)

I think i have to live for today!!!!!

The deed is done

Hmm.. so the deed was done last friday. So now what? At that moment it felt so good. But now, the worries are slowly flooding back. I feel like my mind is blank at the moment. Waiting for something good to some my way. I dont' know.

I may have gone insane! Need some professional help!!! hahahaa.

oh yeah i forgot some details about the Jakarta trip. They have this blue mountain card and posters thingy!!!! wow reminds me so much of the university book store at UNI that sells all these things. See so Americanized. Also they have Wendy's there.

What to do lah... with my life... i thought i should feel happy which i did on friday. I felt liberated but now what!?!?!?!

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Testing from email. lets see if this works.




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